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This month marks the 14th anniversary of our blended family. You know we still meet people and watch their jaws drop as we explain that we started our marriage with custody of 7 children between the ages of 11 and 18 living under one roof. “How did you ever do it?”, they ask. It wasn’t easy, I’ve got to tell you. And I would never recommend starting a marriage this way. But in our case, it was a God thing. And that’s the only reason it could have worked out as well as it did. The Lord blessed us with a big house, and all but the two youngest children were able to have their own bedrooms. We lived out in the country, so our home wasn’t inundated with teenage guests all throughout the day and night. Thank God for that! Our oldest son left home within the first year of our marriage. But we definitely locked horns a few times before he moved out. I was not used to having my authority be challenged. But step children are really good at that.
My three children were more quiet and subdued than the Elliott children. In fact, they felt as though they were being swallowed up by all that Elliott presence and energy. We had moved up here from the Central coast of California. My kids were having to start new lives. Their old friends, their history, their stories all seemed to evaporate, as they left everything to follow their mom on this journey to Oregon to become the new Mrs. E.
The Elliott kids were having to re-adjust their lives in order to make room for new siblings, and a new mother. Clearly this was not a choice any of these children had made for themselves. Everyone of them felt like they were being victimized. And then there was Dan and I, madly in love, and wanting everything to work out brilliantly. Oh my! But there were some bumps in the road!
I thank God for the wisdom God granted Dan and I from the very beginning. We made a pact that while we sorted out things in our family, and tried to make decisions, and blend parenting styles, we would ALWAYS present a unified front to all of our children. Disagreements would be handled privately. NEVER in front of the children. We knew they would chew us up and spit us out if they could….if there was ever even a hint of a crack in the parental block we had created.
Who does the disciplining for each of the children? The original parent or the new step parent or ??? We did it together. Always. Privately, Dan and I would meet and discuss what the situation was, and together we would sit down with the child who needed correction and spell it out for them. In most cases, I would spell it out, with Dan at my side, to my three kids. And he would be the verbalizer when his kids needed correction. Eventually those lines became more and more blurred, and we both would have input whenever any of our children needed correcting.
We also utilized family meetings, where things could be discussed, and the kids could feel as if they had a voice of some sort. Listening to their concerns relieved a lot of their stress, I’m sure. But it also helped our kids bond with one another, as they began to form alliances with each other to try and bring about the changes they desired to take place in our family.
Starting new traditions was a bit more challenging, as we came from such different backgrounds. I remember one year we rented a cabin up in the mountains, during the winter. We had anticpipated having fun in the snow, and then warming up to a nice cozy fireplace, drinking hot chocolate and eating chocolate chip cookies while sharing thanksgiving in our hearts with one another. Ha! There wasn’t one snowflake that year. Only rain, rain, and more rain. The kids couldn’t even go outside it was so disgustingly muddy. The good news was that they had a television in the “cabin”. The bad news was that it only got one channel, and it was running a 48 hour Clint Eastwood marathon. Picture 7 grumpy kids locked up in a small ugly house in the middle of nowhere during a rainstorm with nothing to do but watch Clint Eastwood flicks. Not a pretty site. But then came our time of thanksgiving. It was shameful how very unthankful they were that year! Dan and I had to listen to their moaning and groaning about how much in life there was to hate. You know, God set us up on that one. But we survived. We now look back on that weekend and laugh at how God used it as a measuring device for how far we would grow together as a family in the years to come.
As the years passed, we grew as a family. The kids actually began to show signs of liking one another. But it took years, lots of smiles, experiences both good and bad, and plenty of tears. And much prayer. Dan faithfully got up each morning and made breakfast for the crew before they went off to school. (My kids hated having Dan make breakfast. And really just wanted some plain old cold cereal). I worked as a stay at home mom, attending as many of their extra cirricular events as possible, and preparing a family dinner every night. His kids did not think the world of my fancy cooking, preferring plain old hamburgers, tomato soup, or some of their Dad’s famous hotdog stew. You heard me right. Hot dog stew. A gourmet cooks nightmare of a meal was Dan’s most famous dish. That and the Tatortot casserole. Poor children. I thought I’d show those poor deprived Elliott kids what good home cooking really tasted like. Only to have them turn up their noses and tell me to quit adding all those fancy spices so it would taste better. Not sure how my ego survived intact. But needless to say, I’m far less fragile a person now than I was 12 years ago.
The best piece of advice I could ever give about raising teenagers is not my own advice, but Dr. James Dobson’s. He talks about how so many parents quit making their kids go to church when they become teenagers. That’s an awful thing to do, he warns parents, because the teenage years are when that child need the church most! Our culture is bombarding our children with their godless doctines and sexual immorality. To lay aside the influence of the church during this stage of their lives would be a catastrophe. Dan and I made sure our children always attended church when they lived with us, whether they liked it or not. It’s true that a parent of teenagers must pick their battles. But this is the one battle I would NEVER compromise on! When they are out from under your wings they will make that decison on their own. But while they are in your home, demonstrate faithfulness to the body of Christ, and let them benefit from being in a loving family of Christian believers. If there is any compromise at all, it might be that they could choose which youth group they wish to attend, so they can feel somewhat independent and can hang out with their friends. But being part of a body of believers is a must for their spiritual development.
Our family has not finished blending yet. We are still learning and growing and changing. We have added a few spouses along the way. And some beautiful grandchildren. The blending process isn’t over. But what a joy it has been to be a part of something miraculous. While I will always believe that marriages and families should never have to experience the brokeness that comes from a divorce, I am grateful that my God is a God who can redeem things and make them valuable again. That’s what He has done for me and my family. God took my brokeness and gave me a new life and more children, and new friends, and new experiences, and more happiness than you can imagine.
Thank you for letting me share my heart with you today. I think I need to refill my teacup now.
Blessings-
Tea Lady Darla
I haven’t written in a while. It’s been a difficult month. The past week was particularly hard, and I find myself once again trying to sort out God’s purposes for my life. I turned 50 years old recently. I’ve been one of God’s kids for a very long time. He has always been faithul to me, and has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. There have been many twists and turns in my life. Many times I could not see His hand at the time. But later, things became clear. Once in a while, things are left unclear. Like why my dear friend Margaret is still sick after 13 years of praying for her. Or why little Caylie didn’t get to go back to Zambia with her family. Sometimes God just chooses to be mysterious. Read the book of Job if you don’t believe me.
I hate being 50. I really do. I hardly recognize the old hag I see when I look in the mirror. When I was 20, 30, even 40, I couldn’t even picture myself being 50 years old. But the day came. My wonderful children treated me to a day at the spa, where I received a massage, hairstyling, pedicure, manicure, even makeup! I even felt about 10 years younger for the remainder of the day. My husband bought be a Wii so I could stay fit the senior way. We had a huge party. It was all such wonderful fun.
I had recently taken in a new teenage daughter to love and foster. Much time has been spent over the past 3 1/2 months attempting to mentor her. My hopes were high. And I felt certain this was God’s call for this season of my life. I’m still certain it was. But the season was shorter than expected. And Dan and I are empty nesting once again. Our daughter was placed last week in another home. We do have some limited contact with her. I’d rather not write about what went wrong, as much as I’d like to write about what went right. Dan and I were able to model for her a loving family, and parents who discipline out of their sincere desire to see the child become a better, more responsible person created in God’s image. We never lost our tempers with her. The Holy Spirit filled my mouth with wisdom during the many opportunities I had to sit and talk with her one on one. Even when she misbehaved, we were always able to be kind, firm and loving towards her. She never got away with manipulating us. I will be honest, I truly don’t think we made any mistakes with this child. After 8 kids worth of prior experience, I must say, I think we’re getting the hang of how to parent teenagers finally! I believe that everything God wanted to happen while she was here, did happen.
My 50th Birthday...part one
Still my heart was heavy as I said “goodbye” to the child I thought would be a permanent part of this family. I don’t understand everything that goes on in the spiritual realm. I cannot explain the way that prayer works, sometimes in real time, sometimes not. Why God allows us to sow feverishly, only to let someone else reap later. Sometimes we never get to see the fruits of our labor. Other times the fruit is evident, and it brings us great joy to know that we have participated in the building up of God’s kingdom. The little gal that God brought into our home for such a short season will always be in my heart. And someday I believe I will see her in the kingdom of God. That is faith, my friend. I have nothing whatsoever to back up that statement. I only know that her coming here was not an accident. And so I hang on to this hope. I look back fondly. And press forward full of hope for the future.
Blessings to all!
Tea Lady Darla
Man….I didn’t really think I’d be here again! Parenting another teenager.
Before I pour out my heart to you, please join me in a cup of tea. I’m having a cup of White Swiss Truffle Rooibos from Teaporia. It’s a favorite red tea of mine with bits of white chocolate and a hint of mint.
I was sitting in our dining room last night watching an incredible display of God’s power in the form of lightening, which eventually sparked a fire in the distance. The way God communicates with us sometimes made me stop and think about the many countless ways we communicate with each other. Which got me thinking about how difficult my job would be as a foster parent once again. I’ve been parenting for 30 years now. I have more experience raising teens than anybody I have ever met. The newest addition to our family is our 9th, (yes, you heard right), teenager! Wouldn’t you think I’d have all the answers by now? I guess, somehow, I thought I did. But God has to show me just how tiny and small I am, and how little I know. I am so humbled that He lets me take care of so many of His precious children. But without His strength and His grace there is no way I could possibly be doing this again. My friends, the Sibley’s, (who are missionaries in Zambia and have adopted 5 children plus 1), are such great encouragers to us. But Beckie tells me often, (and she’s not kidding), she’d rather raise 6 children in Zambia, than to try and take in one foster child in our American culture. There is so much going on in our country. American kids seem to be totally mesmerized by the media. The thing about having foster kids is that you don’t get to start fresh. You get to take someone elses parenting mistakes and try and correct them. (As if parenting teens wasn’t a hard enough job! )
There is no way I can tackle this subject in just one blog post. So I expect I’ll be writing about his again in a few days. I am open to the comments and suggestions of others. I have learned a great deal in my years of parenting teens. But by no means do I know everything. Besides the world is changing so fast, so answers that may have been adequate 5 years ago, are hardly relevant anymore. Like for instance, can someone please explain to me why Jamie Lynn Spears is a celebrity? She had a baby, for crying out loud, at age 16. This is NOT who I want my daughter idolizing! If Nikki, (not her real name), had been my biological daughter, there wouldn’t be a lot of information about Ms. Spears made available to my daughter. Well, actually I talk a tough game. But the truth is, I’m wondering how parents these days protect their kids from this immoral American culture that we live in. Even with my 30 years of parenting experience, I am at a loss for how to protect our new daughter. The other day, while we were sitting in the doctor’s office she picked up a magazine with the Bradjolina family photo album plastered on several pages throughout the magazine. The photography was top-notch, I have to admit. But I’m just a little concerned at what American young people seem to think a perfect American family looks like. Brad and Anjolina aren’t even married last time I checked. There isn’t any commitment to stay together and parent all those kids under one roof till they part ways in death. How sad for those children to not have the benefit of parents who love each other enough to commit to making a covenant with one another. But my daughter flipped through those pages oohing and aweing at this image of a happy American family, along with 1,000’s of other young women. What a disservice we do to our young people to make them believe that this new image of the American family is somehow a better and upgraded version of a traditional family. Why didn’t they photograph the 6 nannies alongside Brad and Anjolina, since they’re the ones doing all the dirty work!
How do I communicate with such a young and vulnerable child in a world that seems, (more than ever), to have gone crazy. How do I protect her innocence, and teach her to know and love the God that I serve? How can anybody know God these days when life is so noisy and so busy all the time? Young people these days seem to think cell phones are as important to their existance as oxygen. Yeah, never mind me having to tell her the story about having to walk to school barefoot in a blizzard to get to school everyday. All I’ll have to say is “in my day, we didn’t even have cell phones.” She’ll be shocked, no doubt, that I could have survived to be a such a healthy looking 50 year old grandma. Lord have mercy, I’ve got my work cut out for me!!
I find myself with few answers, but needing to rely on the power of Christ more than ever. One thing that hasn’t changed in our household is that we have always insisted that our kids attend a Christian church somewhere. If not at our family church , than they need to find another place of worship. I got this piece of advice from my hero, Dr. Dobson, who says that too many parents choose not to fight with their kids over this issue. If you’re a parent who believes in picking your battles carefully, make no mistake, this is one of the most important decisions in your childs life. Don’t let them drop out of church while they are the most vulnerable to the tempations of our unholy society.
I may not be able to teach my daughter everything she needs to know in the 3 years I have with her here at home. But I trust she’ll pick up on some pretty good teachings from me along the way. The role my husband plays in her life is huge as well. We try to model what a healthy marriage can look like. Dan also has worked very hard to be a good father to all the kids in our blended bunch. I thank God that most of our other children understand and accept the role of being older siblings who help, encourage and advise as well. Our church also plays a role in reenforcing our values and the things we believe in. I may not be able to protect our daughter from all the evils of American culture these days. But I have put into place a number of safety nets and layers of protection. All of these elements are for her benefit as she grows older and hopefully wiser in the years ahead. I don’t think there really is any “safe place” to raise kids in America anymore. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up and quit trying to fight for their eternal rights.
Well, I’ve bent your ear enough for today. I have much more to say on this. Won’t you join me again next week?
Blessings-
TeaLadyDarla
