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Welcome back to our continuing saga. With Easter just around the corner, I thought it would be fun to share some memories of our first Easter together as a blended family. I am pouring myself a hot cup of Peaches and Cream black tea while we visit. I highly recommend it. Please sit down and relax while we visit together.
No other holiday set the differences between our families more starkly than Easter, which was our first holiday together. Thankfully we share the same religious beliefs concerning Easter, that Jesus Christ actually experienced a resurrection after his death on the cross. No problem there. We both love to attend resurrection services at our local church. So we were good there as well. But that was where the similarities ended in regard to how we chose to celebrate this festive occasion.
I had gone out and purchased a giant ham, potatoes, yams, asparagus, and all the ingredients neccessary to prepare a fabulous lemon chiffon pie for my new family, when suddenly my phone rang. It was my new sister in law who wanted to know what time we would meet her on Sunday afternoon for the annual wienie roast in the hills overlooking the farm. I hadn’t heard anything about a wienie roast, I informed her. “No problem”, she said. “Just bring a couple packages of hotdogs and buns, and join us on the hill.” Dan knew the spot she explained.
Wienie roast on the hill…hmmmm. Not sure how that ties in with Easter, but I wanted to be a good sport, this being my first year living in Central Oregon and wanting to make a good impression on my in-laws. My kids, however were not nearly as agreeable. They wanted to do things the way we always used to do. Whatever that meant. We never did things the same twice anyway. I encouraged them to give it a try, which they begrudgingly agreed to do.
So all was well, until later that afternoon when Dan suggested we start dying the Easter eggs for the egg hunt. “Who are we doing an egg hunt for?” I asked. “The kids”, he answered.
“You mean our kids?”, I asked in shock.
“Of course”, he replied.
“But aren’t the kids a little old for that? “ Between us we had 7 kids at the time. The youngest was 11, and the rest were teenagers.
“Youré never too old for an egghunt”, he informed me.
Well I was pretty sure my 3 children would not agree with that statement. And considering I had already broke the news about the wienie roast, I was a little concerned I’d have a mutiny on my hands if I forced them to get up early and hunt for boiled eggs. Thankfully I was able to talk Dan into letting me pick up some plastic eggs and filling those with candy and money. Dan was very reluctant to break off from his long held traditions of hunting for decorated boiled eggs. But thank God he conceded in this one area.
Early Easter morning we bribed the kids to wake up and hunt for the Easter eggs that the Easter bunny had hidden in the yard. My poor city slicker kids were in absolute shock. The Elliott kids were used to this, so they were great cheerleaders to my 3. We finally managed to get everyone out there to search for the hidden eggs.
Secretly, I think my kids kinda liked it. They must have collected at least $1.32 between the 3 of them, not to mention a few lucious hard boiled eggs too!
After the egg hunt, we dressed for church and heard the familiar story of Christ’s resurrection which truly never gets old to me, But always more wonderful and endearing. How the King of the universe could be so humble and lay His own life down so that I would not have to be punished for the ignorant sins I’ve committed over the course of my lifetime. Why was He silent while humans slapped and mocked Him? He had the power to end His own suffering, but chose to give His life a ransom for us instead. It’s an incredible story. It will never grow old to me. His humility, His kindness, His long suffering at the hands of wicked men confounds me. And I cry always. I do cry at Easter. But then I rejoice, cause I know it was all part of a magnificent plan. The plan worked, and is still working. And I am a part of His plan! Now that’s a reason to celebrate!
After church we head out to picnic site for our “traditional” wienie roast….Elliott style. the word “picnic” has always struck a cord of terror in my heart. But now more than ever. This is a picnic out in the boondogs with no bathrooms. It means we should be taking our 4-wheeler, but since we don’t have one, we’ll scratch up my cute little Honda instead. It means sitting around freezing in the early Spring wind, trying to think of something to say while cooking cheap dogs on sticks. It means being stuck on location until my husband is ready to leave…some 3 or 4 hours later.
Well, things haven’t changed much in the past 14 years. We still have that traditional wienie roast every year, like it or not. “Nothing says resurrection Sunday like wienie’s on a stick”, says my oldest son, now 30. Dan still even tries to hide Easter eggs for our adult kids. Little did I know that Easter is truly his favorite holiday of all. He absolutely LOVES to hide Easter eggs! Although none of our kids willingly participate anymore, we have always been able to find a few volunteers to search for Dan’s hidden eggs. The Sibley kids, the kids I do respite care for, and now we have 5 wonderful grandkids to hunt for Grandpa Dan’s eggs.
Yes, we will hunt eggs again this year, and roast wienies. And yes, we will go to church and hear, once again, the most incredible love story the world has ever known. And yes, I will cry again, as I do every year. Not because I have to go on another picnic, but because Jesus loves me so much. I have so much to celebrate!
Blessings-
Tea Lady Darla
This month marks the 14th anniversary of our blended family. You know we still meet people and watch their jaws drop as we explain that we started our marriage with custody of 7 children between the ages of 11 and 18 living under one roof. “How did you ever do it?”, they ask. It wasn’t easy, I’ve got to tell you. And I would never recommend starting a marriage this way. But in our case, it was a God thing. And that’s the only reason it could have worked out as well as it did. The Lord blessed us with a big house, and all but the two youngest children were able to have their own bedrooms. We lived out in the country, so our home wasn’t inundated with teenage guests all throughout the day and night. Thank God for that! Our oldest son left home within the first year of our marriage. But we definitely locked horns a few times before he moved out. I was not used to having my authority be challenged. But step children are really good at that.
My three children were more quiet and subdued than the Elliott children. In fact, they felt as though they were being swallowed up by all that Elliott presence and energy. We had moved up here from the Central coast of California. My kids were having to start new lives. Their old friends, their history, their stories all seemed to evaporate, as they left everything to follow their mom on this journey to Oregon to become the new Mrs. E.
The Elliott kids were having to re-adjust their lives in order to make room for new siblings, and a new mother. Clearly this was not a choice any of these children had made for themselves. Everyone of them felt like they were being victimized. And then there was Dan and I, madly in love, and wanting everything to work out brilliantly. Oh my! But there were some bumps in the road!
I thank God for the wisdom God granted Dan and I from the very beginning. We made a pact that while we sorted out things in our family, and tried to make decisions, and blend parenting styles, we would ALWAYS present a unified front to all of our children. Disagreements would be handled privately. NEVER in front of the children. We knew they would chew us up and spit us out if they could….if there was ever even a hint of a crack in the parental block we had created.
Who does the disciplining for each of the children? The original parent or the new step parent or ??? We did it together. Always. Privately, Dan and I would meet and discuss what the situation was, and together we would sit down with the child who needed correction and spell it out for them. In most cases, I would spell it out, with Dan at my side, to my three kids. And he would be the verbalizer when his kids needed correction. Eventually those lines became more and more blurred, and we both would have input whenever any of our children needed correcting.
We also utilized family meetings, where things could be discussed, and the kids could feel as if they had a voice of some sort. Listening to their concerns relieved a lot of their stress, I’m sure. But it also helped our kids bond with one another, as they began to form alliances with each other to try and bring about the changes they desired to take place in our family.
Starting new traditions was a bit more challenging, as we came from such different backgrounds. I remember one year we rented a cabin up in the mountains, during the winter. We had anticpipated having fun in the snow, and then warming up to a nice cozy fireplace, drinking hot chocolate and eating chocolate chip cookies while sharing thanksgiving in our hearts with one another. Ha! There wasn’t one snowflake that year. Only rain, rain, and more rain. The kids couldn’t even go outside it was so disgustingly muddy. The good news was that they had a television in the “cabin”. The bad news was that it only got one channel, and it was running a 48 hour Clint Eastwood marathon. Picture 7 grumpy kids locked up in a small ugly house in the middle of nowhere during a rainstorm with nothing to do but watch Clint Eastwood flicks. Not a pretty site. But then came our time of thanksgiving. It was shameful how very unthankful they were that year! Dan and I had to listen to their moaning and groaning about how much in life there was to hate. You know, God set us up on that one. But we survived. We now look back on that weekend and laugh at how God used it as a measuring device for how far we would grow together as a family in the years to come.
As the years passed, we grew as a family. The kids actually began to show signs of liking one another. But it took years, lots of smiles, experiences both good and bad, and plenty of tears. And much prayer. Dan faithfully got up each morning and made breakfast for the crew before they went off to school. (My kids hated having Dan make breakfast. And really just wanted some plain old cold cereal). I worked as a stay at home mom, attending as many of their extra cirricular events as possible, and preparing a family dinner every night. His kids did not think the world of my fancy cooking, preferring plain old hamburgers, tomato soup, or some of their Dad’s famous hotdog stew. You heard me right. Hot dog stew. A gourmet cooks nightmare of a meal was Dan’s most famous dish. That and the Tatortot casserole. Poor children. I thought I’d show those poor deprived Elliott kids what good home cooking really tasted like. Only to have them turn up their noses and tell me to quit adding all those fancy spices so it would taste better. Not sure how my ego survived intact. But needless to say, I’m far less fragile a person now than I was 12 years ago.
The best piece of advice I could ever give about raising teenagers is not my own advice, but Dr. James Dobson’s. He talks about how so many parents quit making their kids go to church when they become teenagers. That’s an awful thing to do, he warns parents, because the teenage years are when that child need the church most! Our culture is bombarding our children with their godless doctines and sexual immorality. To lay aside the influence of the church during this stage of their lives would be a catastrophe. Dan and I made sure our children always attended church when they lived with us, whether they liked it or not. It’s true that a parent of teenagers must pick their battles. But this is the one battle I would NEVER compromise on! When they are out from under your wings they will make that decison on their own. But while they are in your home, demonstrate faithfulness to the body of Christ, and let them benefit from being in a loving family of Christian believers. If there is any compromise at all, it might be that they could choose which youth group they wish to attend, so they can feel somewhat independent and can hang out with their friends. But being part of a body of believers is a must for their spiritual development.
Our family has not finished blending yet. We are still learning and growing and changing. We have added a few spouses along the way. And some beautiful grandchildren. The blending process isn’t over. But what a joy it has been to be a part of something miraculous. While I will always believe that marriages and families should never have to experience the brokeness that comes from a divorce, I am grateful that my God is a God who can redeem things and make them valuable again. That’s what He has done for me and my family. God took my brokeness and gave me a new life and more children, and new friends, and new experiences, and more happiness than you can imagine.
Thank you for letting me share my heart with you today. I think I need to refill my teacup now.
Blessings-
Tea Lady Darla
Dan and grandkids on camping trip
The problem with marrying the most wonderful man in the world, is that he makes me look like crap all the time. Yes, he is Mr. Popularity. And I am the stick-in-the-mud realist. This is actually quite a switch for me from my first marriage. But I’d rather not go into that. ‘Today let’s just talk about Dan the man. A guy who would go to the ends of the earth to join his kids and grandkids on a camping trip. He packs all the food, and urges his children to just meet him somewhere that’s convenient to them. This works out to be a bummer for me, since I hate camping! I try to go up and meet the crew just for the afternoon.
Now let me explain a few things here. What Dan means when he says “camping” is that he wants to go somewhere remote, that technically should only be reached by four-wheel-drive. He doesn’t want any running water. And he’d very much prefer to pee on a tree than in an outhouse, much less a restroom. It will usually take 3 or more hours to drive to, and another 3 hours to drive home. Yee-haw!
I, on the other hand, am a total priss. If it’s dirty, I don’t want to touch it. I don’t want someone who hasn’t washed his hands in 4 days making my breakfast. Call me “Monk”, but it’s the way I am. If we had a camper with running water and a flushing toilet, I could do the whole camping thing. Even a decent campground that offered showers and toilets would be acceptable. But no, no! That would defeat the whole purpose of camping.
Proof that I actually do go up for the afternoon
When my 3 year old grandson asks for a small piece of hard candy, grandpa says “Sure! Why not?” Not “let’s ask your mom first, or grandma.” And he certainly doesn’t offer them an alternate treat. Never mind that it’s the type of candy a 3 year old could choke on. Recently my beloved promised our little darlings a trip to the mountain to go sledding. You might think that a case of diarrea should of changed the plans, wouldn’t you? Couldn’t they have gone somewhere closer to some decent toilet facilities? Well, heck no! Grandpa Dan is unstoppable. He bundled up his 2 grandkids, and swore he’d be fine. I just tried not to concern myself with the possible outcome. Afterall, if their mother was okay with it, than I was fine with it…sort of.
Dan is a boundless, bundle of energy that seems to have no end. He teaches science/biology/forensics at Redmond High School. He coaches football from August- November. Then coaches wrestling December-March. He referee’s whenever he has an opportunity to do so, which means that many weekends and evenings he is working. He also teaches a high school Sunday school class, leads a Bible study and mentors a group of high school boys, he teaches in our home Bible study group, he is an elder in our church, and he is on the pastoral staff at a little community church out in nearby Camp Sherman. Did I mention that he is a wonderful father to our our 8 children, and the most incredible grandfather on the face of the planet?
Me? Well I can come across as being downright rude to people. Because of Dan’s many contacts through the school, community, and church, he is frequently asked to do weddings and funerals. If you should contact me when trying to reach Dan for this purpose, the answer will automatically be “no”. Unless, of course you are one of our children. You cannot imagine what a stretch it is, in our already overcrowded schedule, to fit something like this in. We will council a couple 3 times before the wedding, to prepare them for Holy Matrimony. Dan has a very hard time saying “no” to these requests. But I don’t. Remember I am the stick-in-the-mud realist. And God put me here to help keep Dan alive and healthy for as long as possible. I know how harsh that sounds. But I have a feeling that just like Adam in the book of Genesis, God took one look at Dan and said, “it is not good for this man to be alone”. And so God brought Dan a suitable helpmate. Me.
Before Dan and I were married, our families had met together in Las Vegas at the home of mutual relatives. This was our first meeting, and we hit it off pretty well, right from the start. As did our children. In the evening our two families packed into one little mini van to explore the big city together. There were nine of us at that time, (before Lewis joined us). Dan drove, (as it was his rig), and I sat in the passenger seat, unaware that God was bringing our two families together as one. Dan’s kids had the windows rolled down, and began cat calling and barking at the tourists. Dan chuckled from the front seat, but never once tried to discourage their behavior. I was…well….speechless. I figured that he was letting them be a little crazy because they were on vacation. I had no idea that this behavior was “par for the course”, normal everyday type behavior for this single bachelor with his 4 kiddos.
I think God knew that in order to seal the deal I had to be from a different city. If I had had a chance to see the way Dan lived his life, I would have been way too terrified to commit. I actually was a little puzzled why any guy as wonderful as Dan hadn’t been scooped off the market right away. Not that he’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination! But he is wonderful, and believe me, I know it.
I am not so wonderful. I am warning you. I have an easy time saying “no”, and telling people when they annoy me. Afterall, someone had to straighten those kids out. Just keep these things in mind next time you see me, folks. I’m tough. I’ve had to learn to be. I may not be the outdoorsy camping type….but I have survived 14 years of marriage to Dan, the nicest guy in the world, AND mothering his children. I may be prissy, that is true. But I am one of the toughest women on the planet.
